Face it!

Single? Phew!

2009-11-19T03:27:00.000-08:00

At 31, most of my aunts, relatives and well meaning (and not so well meaning) neighbours believe that I am long past the threshold of marriageable age.

Those who threw accusatory glances, at my mum four years ago, for not trying to get me hitched earlier, now look at her in disbelief or pity or 'I know how it feels' or then 'serves you right' looks. My Mum's a strong woman. She takes it all in her stride... ie till the time that I fall into her line of vision and then there is no stopping her as she rants about how everybody Else's daughters are happily(??!) married, how even the sons have done well on the marriage front and how she has to bear the brunt of my irresponsible attitude. This, after the successful marriage of all my siblings (two)!

But if I am honest, I can't blame her. For the truck load of unsolicited advice on 'how to get your daughter married' that she is subjected to daily, I can hardly call her hyper.

In South India when a girl turns 24, her impending marriage seems to take on the importance of the crashing stock market and would easily top the list of the most preferred topics of discussion at every family gathering. Everyone wants to share the responsibility of finding a suitable groom. If the same zeal was directed towards Global warming, we would have had glaciers piling up by the dozens in Antarctic!

The mission to find the elusive groom started a few years ago. I am fascinated by how these things work in our society. In today's world where everyone is trying to network, the cause of finding a suitable boy for the daughter of a relative/friend/ acquaintance/co worker/neighbour, does not require you to put any effort to network. The network starts on its own and works its way around the whole community. Every family function becomes hunting grounds for the helpful aunties and every new prospect an exciting adventure. Informal proposals are brought in like diamonds from a coal mine and offered with reverence. Turning down an informal proposal without due consideration must be handled with kid gloves (mind you, the boy and his family might not be even aware of a proposal having been made on his behalf!)

Well, all this doesn't bother me till the interactions are limited to my parents. But the sentiment changes when I am subjected to direct attacks. Just to give you a taster of what I have had to put up with:

When I accompany my parents to a cousins wedding, one of the aunts (Its tough to keep a track of how they are all related to you!)strolls down casually to where we sit (though I bet her trajectory has been strategically planned)

Aunty: "Etre naalayi ningale ellam kandittu!"(Its been so long since we met last!)

all of us smile at her, me looking demure

Mum: athe athe, Sheela kku oru vyatyasavum illa (You haven't changed an Iota)

Aunty: O nammalokke vayassayi! (Oh we are all getting old)

I continue to smile with my palms folded in front...

Then with a pointed look at me
Aunty: "Kalyanamokke kazhikkande?" (don't we want to get married?)

I smile a little more in response, my cheeks starting to ache with the effort of a continued amile
Aunty: "Ingane chirichittu ninnal pora"(Just smiling is not going to help)

Aunty: "Enda onnum parayathe?" (Why don't you say something)

Yeah sure! as if she'd let me.

Now my smile's getting constipated... the effort of smiling and keeping my smart alec comments in check are taking a toll on me..

She quickly turns to my parents without waiting for my response.
"Ende Kunjamme de mon de bharyede anujande mon praayamayi nikkeya... Njan onnu samsaarikkatte? US ila... appo pinne shambalathe patti parayano?!" (My aunt's son's wife's brother's son has come of age, shall I speak to them about you? he is in US...goes without saying that he must be earning a tidy sum, no?!)

While she threads together the relationships (which I don't even try to keep a track of)I start planning my exit strategy, scanning the crowds for a saviour.

Listening is not one of her strengths, she continues with the zeal of a Eureka forbes salesman..

"... nalla payyana,Kudiyum cigarettu valiyum onnum illa, kaanaan nalla neravum, chudiyum. Endu vinayathe ya samsaaram! ithiri height korava... pashe molde athreyum pokkum kaanum. Pinne avarkku randu veedum parambum okke ondu"
(He's a nice chap, doesn't drink or smoke, is fair complexioned and is full of beans. He speaks with such respect! he's a little short... but he's as tall as her (me) I am sure. To top it up they have two houses and land of their own!)

'And how is he in bed??' I want to ask, just to watch her reaction... but then think the better of it and looked at my toes instead.

All this while my parents listen keenly(unable to get a word in sideways)and glancing covertly at me to check my reaction.

Fortunately for me one of my cousins who catches my imploring looks, rescues me promptly, by insisting that I join her for lunch. I feel tears of gratitude glistening in my eyes... well, almost.

I won't go on with the story but that's the plot of almost every interaction between my aunts and my mum, especially when I am around. What I am good at is avoiding family functions, which is of course another bone of contention between me and my mum. You may wonder where my dad fits into all this - he does his best to not add to my woes. He understands that my mum does a good enough job of reminding me about my 'Care a damn' attitude and he'd rather leave me to myself.

So now, what's my take on getting married? That's not very difficult. I like men. I like the idea of marriage. I like the idea of marrying a man. Which man? somebody who can put up with me happily and vice versa. So why am I not married yet? simple - I haven't found the man. Its not like I have been single all my life. As a matter of fact I have hardly been single since I turned 17. I have been in relations which lasted anywhere between a year and 5 years. They have all been great and I must give them all credit for improving me as a person (like being turned from grape juice to fine Chardonnay). None of them were flings, I loved each one of them for as long as I was with them and they did the same. Obviously none of them resulted in marriage and when I look back I am glad they didn't! For instance when four years ago I was pinned down by mum, to look for a groom, I had been seeing a guy. He was younger to me in age by two years and in maturity by a decade. Somewhere deep I knew he wasn't the guy for me, but my mum had managed to make me anxious enough, for me to push him for commitment. The fact that he was jobless at the time didn't help my cause and to top it up he had a knack for drowning himself in debt. Every time I salvaged him he'd do it all over again. He was a good guy really... he loved me madly, was a good listener, was really generous(now you know what caused his debts) and genuinely a warm hearted helpful soul. But the thing was he wasn't reliable in matters of responsibility and I called it quits. Funny, but somehow he looked like the unsuspecting victim.

But hey! I am not complaining, we are both happier without each other! I see some of the guys I dated are on the face book with wives and children, some of them balding and with double chins (looking much older than I would have expected!)and some of them looking happier. I have had an interesting life..

After my last breakup my family started the search for a groom with a vengeance. Each of them registered on a different matrimonial website on my behalf and there was no stopping them. Its been a real ride and is still on! What am I faced with on these sites? well, that's a story for another time!

Men None too Sane - MNS

2009-11-15T00:17:00.000-08:00

My first trip to Bandra Station and I was awestruck at the number of people around. It was peak time, crowded and everyone seemed to be in a hurry. Only I had all the time in the world. As I climbed up the stairs soaking in the sights and sounds I could see many around me taking two stairs at a time racing with time. But interestingly even in this time deprived state, most people seemed to radiate a warmth.

As I was climbing up the stairs watching an emaciated man in his twenties, in a soiled white shirt, threadbare loose trousers and chappals whiz down, I lost my footing. Just when I thought I would land in a heap, a hand grabbed my elbow in a lightening flash. Confused but grateful I looked up. But in that fraction of a second my saviour was already continuing his run to catch the train. The same man I had been watching. I said thank you with feeling to his fast vanishing back.

Its been four years since I first came to Mumbai and that one memory remains etched in my mind, not because its uncommon or unheard of, but because that one experience sums up Mumbai for me - 'The city with a heart!'

I have lived in many places in India and about 10 years ago, when considering a list of cities where I would like to work, Mumbai was the first to be ticked off . I had heard about the numbing traffic and how half your life was spent in travelling to and from work getting home. Six years later I was sent to the city on an assignment and I didn't have an option but to work in the city for the while. Mumbai is crammed, it is filthy, crawling with pests... as you land at the Mumbai airport and the doors open your senses are assaulted with not so pleasant smells...Its all true..

But despite it people in the city are helpful, warm, hardworking, they laugh,they embrace opportunity and live with unabashed optimism. Its a city that makes space for everybody. No matter where you come from - you belong! People in the posh mansions, the middle class flats, the chawls and the slums, live in harmony. In no other city have I seen people share the front seat with the driver of a taxi, even when the empty back seat beckons them. Practicality wins over the hollow sense of self importance, hands down. Nobody's too important and noboby not worth helping.

I who thought I could live anywhere and move on, don't feel the same anymore. The very thought of shifting to another place, even with the temptations of better home, better environment, more space, better infrastructure, better traffic - makes my heart ache somewhere deep. The city may be crammed but the hearts of the people who reside it are not! This city embraces you and weaves you into its fabric till you become a part of it. Its true that I am one of the happy willing victims of the city's charm. I am her's for ever!

In the last few years I have been a part of this city which faced various disasters like the flooding in 2005, bomb blasts on the trains in 2007, terror attacks in 2008 and many others. I have witnessed my fellow mumbaikars pick up pieces of their shattered lives and start again bravely, I have seen all these large hearted people stand by each other. I along with others have felt pain, pride, compassion and love for my fellow mumbaikars. But the one disaster that strikes the city again & again comes in two names - Shiv Sena and MNS. Or shall we say Bal Thackeray and Raj Thackeray?

I will not spend a lot of time on SS because like the papers rightly report the party seems to have lost teeth in the last year or so (to our relief), but to make up for the loss MNS is here in full force. Somehow I don't feel so antagonistic to the party members, as I do to the party leader - Raj Thackeray. Because he is the puppeteer to the many puppets, who are his party men. He is a parasite who thrives on the frustrations that many a youngsters feel, when faced with difficulties again and again in their daily lives. These are generally the youngsters who are not educated and have to bear the brunt of being less privileged as the others their age. All these frustrations have to be channelled somewhere. It could have been channeled positively and productively but then Raj came along used them and manipulated them to meet his selfish ends.

This man has tested our patience time and again. He romps around the city talking about how he is fighting for his fellow Marathis. But how many Marathis actually agree that what he is doing is beneficial for them - Hearteningly not many! He feels that non-Marathis should be ousted from the city to make it better. But hey, do you even realise that Mumbai is what it is because of the very people you are trying to push out? How can anybody be so selfish and self centered as to harass hard working citizens and destroy their property at whim? He insists on speaking only in marathi (Go on- nobody gives a rat's a**), has the taxi drivers and autowallahs beaten up because they are not marathi. He threatens the Govt and ransacks the examination centers, when Indian Railway conducts an exam to hire people. His excuse? - these jobs are meant only for Maharashtrians! He attacks the city where it hurts most - the sentiments of the people. He leaves people bruised physically and emotionally.

His latest tantrum - his men go up to a leading actress's house to present her a sari because she posed bare backed for a movie poster! But doesn't he see the thousands of people in the city who are bare backed for the lack of clothing, leave alone the luxury to watch a movie? Of course he doesn't because seeing or doing anything about it will not get him the quick political mileage he is looking for.

As we watch in impotent anger he continues to act like the new age Ravan AND GETS AWAY with it!! I feel shamed for putting up with it. We rave and rant and he continues with his tantrums, emboldened with every new lewd act of violence. But the question is how long will this continue? For how long will we put up with his backward ideas and dastardly actions? The answer is - Not very long.

There have been more and more voices raised against him. More and more people recognise him for the villain he is. There is a saying "You don't know what a man is capable of till he is pushed to the corner". Raj has been pushing 18 million of us to the corner. What he clearly doesn't realise is that he has been stoking the flames of our anger as a city for way too long. He has been tempting fate and our fury. What has been impotent anger will not remain impotent for long. Face it Raj - you will pay the price for your actions. You have been asking for it Raj and we are coming!!